During the latter quarters of last year, I had unofficially committed to goals which were religiously abode. I took a 15-minute workout (at night given my sleeping pattern), learned french (which I’m still currently in progress), listed new American English vocabulary terms, and read American and British literature from renowned writers. Because the use of communication gadgets less interest me, I took the time to mark the days I have achieved so on my planner. I’m aware that all compulsions, addictions and habits start in conscious premeditation of actions, reason for the staunch note taking.

This year has given some sense of direction to provide reasons for my doing. Now that the first set of habits were established, I added a few more on the list by widening my education. I intend to partake and rectify an already solid principle by studying biographies of national and foreign personalities, and by studying philosophy, sociology, theology, applied physics and biochemistry (a degree I have invested in for many years). I crave to satisfy my hauteur taste for bountiful menu, hence, I started cooking again.

Another tenet that fascinates me since are sartorial artistry, painting, sketching and music, which could maybe wait for another year. At an early age, I have indulged in these things, a world I have created for myself when family’s financial premises limited my capacity to explore. A loving Aunt who had passed away few years ago, taught me the fiddling and sewing which I have applied so on old garnished garments my grandmother kept (without her consent of course) to a scarred vodoo-like dolls among my collections. Her masterful music degree taught me the once tingy vocal orientations, that eventually had grown musty because of smoking.

Growing up, I dreamt of bigger things. I studied relentlessly not because of those dreams but because I have to get scholarships. I heard one say, “I have to do what I have to so I could do what I want to” When I mature realizing that this world is not a wonderful orb of delight, those dreams changed to philosophies. I guess, life truggles lead you to an end and start of your lifetime. You decide the only 2 opposing geographies that exist—the good and the bad pursuits. Your bad actions cannot justify good intentions. Your good actions cannot justify bad intentions. It is always just either one of both.

Today, I have heard the passing of a good friend. His milestone made me question further my own.


Origin of the Beautiful Mind

I have high regards for intellect, but the existing taste for something perceptible as the word incredulous often is now nothing but popularity. Sometimes, in musty sense for palpable profit, it becomes redundant as everyone’s ideas. There’s nothingness for originality because no one wants to be alone in accepting an idea. This is such a lonely world, no matter how one tries to expand it, or reduce it.

I tried not to engage socially because people are intolerant to impoverish nobility. Not that I am noble, rather, I want to share a myriad feelings for when light comes as we appreciate every particulate of darkness. There is a propitious coming of light,without the effort of chasing. Every time I close my eyes, I travel in space, in time, watching solitude faces, characters, frames, pictures, words, voices, events.. the Black woman, whispering that which no one dares to say, while I, in agog for fresh mind. I become a visionary every time, translating that revolutionary window to another truth. I’ve been here before. I’ve been here all the time in the past. The futile addiction to this kind of place has some risks. It unravels another side of you that does not coexist with general reality. The general reality eventually becomes an oppressor, particularly of self. No matter how much you denounce conformity, you’d have to eat it. You could partly describe it as a huge mass being choked down to your throat, or a DNA sequence forced within the depth of your character.

A wise man would not let this get in the way of special function. The notoriety of deprecating indifference has only one pill—speak, hear and accept humility. Humility is a philosophical term for scientific conscious remission. Humility makes you accept the limitation of rationality. You test and support a piece of idea in question.

My two sisters are officiously enthusiastic about the teachings of psychology, Behaviors are symptomatic transcription of mental illness, they say. Such however are inscrutable to gather, or disprove. I only believe in experiences, intentions, intellectual orientation, vision, branching out into several forms of expression. And because we provision our own masterful expression, we are entitled to madness.

Token To Remember

I haven’t done writing for months now and I’m pretty sure missing work tonight to make time for that is a win-win situation for everyone involved. I’m a major competition when taking in calls; they said my undying hype towards an overused headset and a monitor of statistics is intimidating; and I left work yesterday slowly emerging like a green monster after a heated discussion over unreturned compensation for hard work. And I thought people should start appreciating calculus or statistics because even those that doesn’t matter or doesn’t make sense will turn out to be a significant discovery.

As much as a I fancy behavioral psychology (besides the fact that keeping my cool helps in controlling my ailing insides, physiologically), my eyes are drawn to putting meaning to numbers. Physical attraction is all about the proportionality of elements such as eyes, nose, lips, cheekbone within a 3 planar space visually distinct among common eyes and the probability of a unique facial structure existing relative to population. Attachment has a direct relationship with consumed space and time unless exposed under strained conditions. So I anxiously keep that on the watch.

Ehfficiency at work is undoubtedly about numbers. If you’re in marketing and sales, one must maintain an average number of prospects, keeping contact within a time frame. You must never miss a day without an order line, although that depends on how long you’ve been doing it and how many existing accounts you have. A measurable and variable goal should be set and that daily numbers should get you close to that goal. Establish a routine and the day must be concluded by the amount of accomplished work in numbers.

Vehemently, I’m misdirected by the challenge. I swore not to loop towards the curvature of old life but rather to observe and write. Follow faith and the very purpose of this moment. Apparently, this moment is nothing but a pint of the past, evident even through the stars. The very start is the key to the end. You must be more than human to certainly know the ultimate truth. As Einstein had once remarked, it is thus, “spooky action at a distance.” The unknown force of entanglement impacts even that distanced by time and space, same as the subatomic particles in quantum universe. Physical scientists fail to transcribe the laws of nature philosphically. They think everything is all about the non life properties. This imminent information is a hinting philosophy waiting to be humanized. The laws of nature is fate.

Nothing is random. Everyone and everything have motives. I knew, right when i was emptied, watching the big tides of water wondering where i’m heading next. Now the city has come to me, singing the same hypnotic strings of blindness. They blindly follow as it entertains. I brought in few things to make me remember–the crucifix necklace I wear everyday, the untouched hair now hanging longer to the waist, and this illness meaning to keep my raging soul tied. I cannot engage, neither form bonds… But rather observe and write.

Money in the Eyes of Capitalism

I don’t know how it started but my physiological nature had abruptly changed to a killing nuisance when depression and stress strike. My body manifests an allergic reaction to such stimulus, hence emotions must be handled lithurgically. I must not have significant emotions for too long (although that is far from daily repressing). This weekend had been fairly stressful given the demand to come out and further social interaction. I reserve these 2 days of week’s work to serenity. The time to think of the world within the perspective of an outsider.

I had the time to watch a chaotic caricature of capitalism. According to Marxism, it is bound to collapse. I thought any alternative is bound to collapse without reinvention. A new system will thrive, adjust, succeed and then collapse. An economist considers this kind of problem constituting the matters of numbers, sociological and fast forwarding. It is fairly sociological in my opinion given that global future lies in the hands of collective behavioral psychological analysis. We have entirely named an ugly relationship between capitalist and workers. Function and the money we make created a class. Class caused strains. And why is that? Everything is weighed in value through monetary. Everything becomes an exclusive property even those that used to be free. Mathematically, it make sense to assume value in numbers or, things would be vague. However, some people have become greedy to own natural properties as water, land, or food.

To understand the system, one must assume all functions. A capitalist invest with everything he has to produce, market and distribute the products. Workers are paid for their skils, time and energy in return. While both parties are considered consumers, the capitalist must make more profit to create more jobs by expanding the business. A higher demand for pay cuts down the capitalist’ profit, significantly affecting both the quality of product or the financial standing of the business. If the capitalist presumes a low wage cost, and he will if there’s a high demand for jobs, workers’ skills depreciate, also compromising the quality of their lives. Now what kind of relationship are we trying to establish here? A clash between classes resorting to revolution. Workers become thieves and capitalist of their own businesses to gain the same rights capitalists have.

This brings us back to the value of things not money. Money is math. It is mere numbers associated to the value of things. As is the law of supply and demand, monopoly gives you power to assume a higher value on things. If we track the root of domino sequentially driving things, the root goes back to resources and ownership of these resources. Who owns which? This should be discussed with impartiality and reason.

I had a friend back in the university who won a beauty pageant called Miss Earth. Sitting among the anxious spectators, I couldn’t help but bemused by the answer that won her title. “Earth is not ours but everyone’s”. I had wished that statement was implicated with such essentiality than just a moment of staged pageant.

I and Reality

I was daydreaming , hearing nothing but cluttering resonance. While people go about their social gagging habits, (face and mouth involuntarily moving), my mind took me to the fields. Running and playing with the wind. At the end of what seems to be an infinite plane, a dark hole suddenly exists. The ground was engulfing, attractively sucking me in. I got out back to where I started–a table shared with peers, all eyes freakishly staring at my face. “Uhm, what was that again?” I disappear just like that.

I wonder sometimes if I exist. Do my feelings exist? Do they exist? I was only sure of one thing. They trust I exist. They trust I will exist for as long they want and/or need me. It was a pain to see people attach themselves to needs and wants. It was a pain to imagine their recurring memories. We cannot claim anything of this world though because this is a home for vicious humans with passion for owning. Even that they do not own.

I am but a passing traveler. Learning from he, she and them. I have realized their utmost desire for attention and they would do anything to attain that.

For weeks, I have been trying to finish the story of Maria. The dangerous urge to live it so I can fully understand her thinking. It would mean wiping away my existing reality and impersonating a character at a distance not known to anyone I know. Just like any other stories written, the end has precluded and consequences calculated. Sometimes, the character conquers that it’s beginning to eat my insides.

I’m not crazy. I’m aware of my eccentricity. The propensity of fear overcomes with such intensity to drown in believing I know too much..that I think too much.. that I wander too much.. that I can’t sleep because the mind fashions words as I would have written it.. that I have never let anyone in.

Growing up, I have learned that insatiable appetite for excellence can be a social liability. My interests are complex. I’ve watched faces taunted with what-the-fuck responses. So I had to acquire casual manner for speaking and behaving. I realized that some things need not be heard.

Maybe I’m not alone in thinking this way. They said I am. Alone. In thinking the way I do. But who cares? We are not what we do or say. We are not what we make. We are what we think, most of which we don’t relay.

Everyday, I hear people raise up microphones on their mouths affirming how superior they are. No one really is. It is rather a proof that music is superior. Calculus is or theoretical physics. Chemistry or arts. Vanity or rage. Power or monetary. We are to blame for making it. I don’t have a point in even writing this. This is just me dismembering pieces of my quiet neurons firing away into words.

Let me give you one final piece of advice. Nothing is factual. It is mere faith on your own reality sensibly existing. You will not know now but maybe tomorrow..or later.

The Lying Game

This is the Age of Deception. A time we are accessibly possessed by what we see, hear or feel. A moment the concept of self is slowly collapsing. We started changing when everything outside had become too loud to hear our quiet selves.

I’d like to say we didn’t trust at all but were rather presented a falsified truth no one can escape. More than what we can grasp, the weight of this truth is determined by the extent of its impact–that is, the number of people and period of time this fake truth continues to exist. There is one fact though about the truth people have missed. However means it is buried, truth resurfaces like a seed coming to life. Even when deprived of light, it will be its own light.

Growing up, I’ve witnessed the world change in shape and colors. The herd followed an unknown lead. I tried as much as I can to take their direction but behind the shadows of unseeming eyes, a child’s world was created bounded with nothing but faith. Completely barricaded despite the complications of my flawed personality. I realized, perfection is not an absolute necessity nor a luxury. In greatness or worst state, I appreciate the eccentricity and simplicity of my nature.

The principle of personal pessimism holds that one thing is false or invalid unless proven. What I’m simply saying is, everything is wrapped in a hard bound shell. The way the old folks do it requires suffcicient time to ripen while buried in soil. It is one hard reality we all have to live with everyday. Leaders implement a law and exempt themselves from it. Media has become a tool to hypnotically create mass behavior and perception. The company you work for conditions a mind towards profit whatever it takes. People on the streets beg or steal as an easier resolute. Our friends or blood betray us out of personal interest. Addiction and Vanity kill our identity. So I walk the road among my brothers and sisters. Even so, I knew I wouldn’t have to walk through the same end. I try to cautiously live each day with utter consideration of results and never plan 2 days after, a week after, years after or when my end is nearly close.

The capacity for deception is depicted systematically. You have to understand that everyone is capable of it. After all, everyone has personal interest. An authority, reputation, or popularity counts as an effective character presence often less doubted. They are reasonably equipped and hence become the biggest threat. They have enough resources and power to orchestrate an atmosphere that supports a false truth. Such blinding masquerade can challenge our old perception moreso when majority give their approval to a new one. This is an age where your scope of witnessing can extend to any part of the globe. As far as I’m concerned, everyday, I am witnessing a possessed social structure. The dogma of replacing our physiologicals part and orginal form. The synthetic remedy of human pain, starvation and confusion. Our morality is nevertheless, gone or twisted.

We say an option exists.That freedom to choose was lost when fear of losing has become poignant as cowardice. Resistance to adapt means the kind of life human fears. Isn’t that what human is motivated for? The very reason for unconditional efforts. And when the rut immobilizes you, this is where it all starts and stops. You have nowhere to go but get stuck.

My advice is, live simply as if you don’t know what’s going on. But do not take their drugs. Do not think how they think. Do not say their words. Prevent aphyxiation from universal habits. Until now, I have never taken picture of myself posted in social media nor played applications online. I just couldn’t. I prefer to savor pencil marks on a drawing pad or write random thoughts after weekdays of work.



The Woman Without A Future

I was mesmerized by the virility of waves that wet my feet as it kissed the shoreline. That was me. Wondering where I’ll end up in few months. I stopped planning since the time fate took over my guts. Back in the city, the lights never fade. My arm is wrapped around mild shopping spree. So what now?  Oh yeah, I was here to continue the explores of my novel.

I want to share some pointers on living the crazy feat of uncertainty. The key is to have Faith. To live in faith means to fear nothing and no one of this world.  That doesn’t mean you’re headed through an easy going carnival ride. You have to understand that there is no place for familiar routes. The first step is to believe that you were made for a noble purpose. Skills are tools. Experience is a training ground. People are your aid, trainers or accidental travelers needing resources. So do not expect permanency in company among them. Second step is to realize that you are only but a body and soul. Critically distinguish necessity and luxury. Expect 50 percent of necessity as sacrificial when circumstances call. Luxury is a temptress throwing out rationality of humanity to complete obsolete.

Don’t trust anyone. No One is responsible to fulfill your needs, happiness or goals. However, you are responsible for the ramifications of your actions. That’s not fair, isn’t it? It’s who you are. It’s who you’ve always been. Life is a purpose. Death is a done deal. It’s a stairway to home. So you can only care so much to prevent physiological physics–time and what the body does in finite space. Soft skin, stamina, sculptured contour..why would that matter? In the long run, all those vibrant cells will decompose and nourish the soil. In the long run, last breath would remind you of the loss. The loss is not of this world but inside you.

Don’t humor me with justifying irrelevance of philosophy to material world. The world cannot be shaped. The world made you believe that. You are only in control of oneself. So be the best at what is entitled of you.

I was asked more than once about what makes me happy. Ridiculously, it takes time to figure out an answer. I thought there’s something wrong with the question. Why does it have to sound like an ultimate-driven pursuit? Why can’t it be one among the regular bright spots of experience?

For 34 years, fate taught me to elevate subconscious..contemplate an absolute reality with conviction. Brain is as complex as that because you’re going to be knocked out a million times. Your armor is what you believe in. My shot is, I am the woman who has no future.

The Blind Sheep

We are subdued by the parliaments of practices within the bounds of culture and religion. Those who are part of such reinforcements are already aware they are obliged to commit a consented crime, even if subjected to global human activists’ scrutinies. You think that the one “God” bothers to observe the meticulous perfection of rituals. Thy candles should not wear off during mass; Thy parent should strictly sell out their children for marriage; Thy followers should not question the authority of leader’s judgment. We become mere dust metals nurtured to fervor and behave in unison just as what the unknown force from a distance dictates. Such idiosyncracies are lucid and unabated through time. Who are you following, really?


Faith is a realized experience. Science tells us that faith is no coincidence but a matter of truth. You do not have faith to flourish and demand for abundance but rather to find reasons for pain. The addiction towards dopamine and any forms of psychoactive ingredients neurologically mimicking the ultimate state of happiness, has become more apparent. We are fool to believe that happiness exists when pain is eliminated.


If they say Devils and Divine forms are archetypal products of our ancestors’ version of anathema, then let me tell you my own fictional sloth imagery:


The Devil is not metaphysical. It is unseen just as the Divine forms. They whisper. They reason. They motivate. They urge. They make you feel good. One that fulfills the body and not of soul. The Divine forms are silent whispers of pain and their reasons. Those reasons overthrow hatred and invite a parlance of wisdom.

A person of strong will and faith has more demons than what an average person has. But we are conditioned to exempt such person of strength from corruption. In fact, that person is dimensionally served and exposed in warren buffet of deceipt due to the expanse of his or her cause. So I must warn to look after himself/herself more than the others.



The theory of Self versus Reality

There’s one professor in Stanford who asked what references am I getting my ideas from. I responded, “I am not a reader but an observer.” He remarked by saying I am a creator then. The fact of the matter is, orientation is based on zealotry towards pure Self. More than the socially impaired environment, main focus is to observe physicality as a separate entity outside my will and mind. The body is fed with just what it needs to get by. That includes food, water, sexual pleasures, technological commodities limited to just a laptop and internet. No phones or anything I would refer to as auxiliaries When the body behaves towards achieving fulfillment, it indulges more to experience pleasure. An addiction to pleasure overcomes rationality and will, a characteristic of Self. So we are all lost. Figuratively and literally.


It has always been a common quizzing, justifying why deny myself of pleasure. Why would someone turn down an opportunity to acquire and feel with intensity? Isn’t that irrational? If I delve into the concept of Self catapulted from a personal imaginary conceptualization, people might just regard it as falsified babbling of an antisocial.


Consider fasting as endurance to starvation. Reluctance to starve or skip meals will condition the mind to always amount to fullness. You’ll forget about the unfortunate crouched among the slum streets suffering from gastric inactivity. You will never learn to share nourishment because the body craves for that.


Consider the act of celibation. If the mind cannot endure pleasurable memory cells creeping the subconscious, I would be nothing but a slave to stimulants. I would relentlessly monetized on physical image to acquire power over others, to seduce those bounded within the sanctimonious relationship, and in the same way, be drawn towards the pit of a better strategist.


While I watch my physicality get comfortable with past behavior, the mind was startled and could only utter, “Why the fuck did you do that?” I gave away the sovereignty of willful Self under the regime of most accepted reality.


Believe that you loaned a money transacted virtually when the assets or capital where it came from never really existed. Believe that you’re kissing, holding hands, having sex virtually. Believe a world recoiled from someone else’s established reality. Believe that we are against an oppressor, fighting for our freedom, when in truth, they are fighting for the same reason. Who are we kidding?


My point being is, sacrifice is self preservation if you would consider oneself as one unit of atom creating a bigger deal of energy when joined with all others. Hence, you can create and destroy. And by destroying the others, you have destroyed yourself as a conjoining unit within a containment. It doesn’t matter if someone struck you. They have taken away the invaluable facets but never the Self. Self is the calculated seed of energy that can create life,. Not the assumed reality but Life.


In relation to the theory of love, a revision of the exposition will further bring a concrete identification of Self and how it is revived within the dynamics of perceived social system.

Prelude to Theory of Love

If love is an idea just like any mathematical theories, then it must be observed into some form of a force. I initially concluded it is either of these two forms. An idea is fed by perception gathered from experiences the same way a theoretical conclusion has been formulated for evil behavior tendencies exhibited by serial killers. If it is then a force, it must effect a physical manifestation like gravitational force. Eventually, I have reformed to correlating both as it always has been in mathematically transcribed force. Now the question is the formula. I was wrong about subjectively incorporating theoism since it has been radically dismissed and opposed by many readers. I appreciate such contention.

The introductory part of this exploration is reiterating reasons behind formulating an idea. Based from noble evidences documented in history, the actions referred to as manifestation of Love have been socially impacting a great deal in regulating disorder. That is, to establish a balance against those that cannot be reformed for the purpose of mankind’s survival. The past weeks I have been writing an exposition on social systems and the consequential roots have come down to disseminating knowledge largely misconceived. One in particular is the concept of Love.

If the idea of love is not absolute and irrelevant, then why do we try to foster human relations. If an idea is assumed to be well defined by so many, then why there is such an ill success to merit. Maybe the idea is wrong in the first place. But how do we measure success? There must be a universal standard to regard such.

As to why I am putting this exposition free in public instead of writing another book– I have always believed that reason of faith is free. The first attempt to capitalize on the concept was a big mistake. Although I was aiming to put the funds on streetchildren, I am lead to believe that the opportunities for that will be presented soon. This is the Blackwidow. I have been always “I”, and represented by many. There are more of nature’s physics represented among us. Yet we find answers in wrong places. My actions are despicable, mythical, and rationalized outside society’s belief. I live in darkness where my presence could only be felt but unseen. I have caused pain for my own indulgence and to claim justice.

The answers to these questions will haunt me in time the way all abstract analysis came to me in silence. I am but another helpless hand obliged to print resonating ideas.

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Abby Mabb

Snarly female. Occasional book reviewer.

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"The hero of my tale, whom I love with all the power of my soul, whom I have tried to portray in all his beauty, who has been, is, and will be beautiful, is Truth." Leo Tolstoy

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