Back at Day 1 and Day 2

This is all about making changes and starting over. I started by coming out of my shell again, working outside. It wasn’t an option at first but then it seemed like the only choice I have. After 2 days of sending out resume, I finally got a sales position with reasonable base pay to cover my future bills. The building is pretty close to my friends’  workplace. I also worked on redesigning my blog, outlining future projects and contacting artist friends who could feature their masterpiece in one of the pages added. All the organizing was tedious… Along with that, a photoshoot for next week’s posting in collaboration with Victor and Ayen, my photographer and make up artist, is set on location for next week.

This weekend and next week will be alot of work but it’s a great start to make things happen..


Day 9 and 10

The Cob Web Mentality

I must admit. I failed today. The silence in my room.. her scent..rummaged areas of my apartment that had become an evident of her naive playful deeds used against me. I could give up my solemn self to spend time with her.

So I laid anxious.. dreamy.. needing.. My back arched for human warmth to keep me sane. Few minutes after, it happened. My head started unscrambling the puzzles for answers. Is this urge a consequence of human brain’s strategic means to forget reality?.. the realness of being incomplete.. of being alone. Are those urges just a form of distraction? If it is the case, then strong will must not be enough to withstand it. An action should take place.

As most experiments, there’s always the failure and significance of changing controlled and variable factors to conduct a new one. I realized that an excess of the hormones due to suppressed physiologcal need had taken its toll on me. There are unprecedented mood swings and mind heaviness. I had occasional headaches which cannot be solely associated to changes in sexual activity patterns. In response to that, I have to establish an alternative physical activity– a 30minute workout in the morning and at night. And since most of the urges are driven by moments of emotional tantrums and sadistic sentiments, I have to find a way to lure brain activity into something more creative, (in addition to gearing away from stress-related environment).

This whole experiment started speaking to me, the way my life is right now. All the hard works and hopes went downhill like it was meant to be. But who cares. I am the blackwidow who had lived her life in faith. They can ruin my web masterpiece a million times they like, but I won’t stop making it!

Day 7 and 8

Hot guy with his gay friends sat across me and my baby at the bus. His gaze tells me that an eye contact signals were initiated .. My baby, bemused and snugly right on her comfortable spot, watched his every move intently..Guy helped me set the bags lying disorganized on the floor..If you’ve found me before now, you would have had a chance..but can’t do pretty face. I’m on a strict abstain course.. Few minutes after, I slumped and dozed off.. caught a glimpse of his hand, palm-covering his own hardness. Men.. are such cock-sensitives..

So I was by myself on a trip back to apartment. I didn’t know late night is when cool people travel. There are throngs of young couples, lesbians, hot people.. and just few old members– a number not enough to unfetter the cool group. In my head, I stood up to perform a loud interlude of their own shitty business.. “Enjoy your short fuckin great moment.. I’m tellin you now, if you dont do’re pair will do’ll fuckin cheat and break up cryin’ like puppies..”

But of course the usual me isn’t always talkin with strangers. Just watching the serve-my-lazy-ass chic who bullies her bf.. teenage lesbians cuddling with their gf’s..who couldn’t get a date in school out of insecurity, so now toying for the closest gf..(with an exception to some really good looking lesbians I know).. the guy who thinks he’s so cool with his yee-haa hat..the asshole who cheated on his seat number twice.. bet he’s been doing the same fuckin lame trick forever.. then this european looking chic next to me whom from my observation, loves a guy too much to care for herself. Her middle finger ring says she’s married.. Classy bag means she can afford to go expensive..but with unset hair and unpolished nails.. she got too busy with the husband who didn’t even care if she’s travelling

by herself. I need a choco drizzle to chill my head and whacked hormones..

Day 6

I woke up from a call.. then another call after a few hours.. Some people don’t realize that I need to sleep or rest on weekend too.. 

like normal people!!

I’m getting ready for more than 12-hour trip to send my baby back . I could imagine how difficult it is in my apartment without her noises…

Before the trip, I took her to a favorite fastfood place. She was gobbling on chicken with bagely-sized cheeks when she saw a cute boy slightly older than her. She turned to me and said, “I don’t care about that yet.. this is more important..” Then continued to ransack chicken meat with rice bits all scattered on her face.

Day 5

This day was hoarded by cannibals questioning my resistance. Truly.. this world is full of temptous souls eager to share their indignant weakness for human warmth. But no matter how they mask themselves with foolish naive questions of how my experiment was doing.. and what my urges are.. the universe watches over me..determined to rebel against my demon.

I must admit.. I was close.. the voice in my head was pulling me closer to submitting.. soft skin running through –.. passion flowing, emanating from within.. then suddenly, some force banged my head against the wall.. total blackout!

Day 4

A friend called me today asking opinion about investing on his passion and if it’s worth the risk. He wanted to pursue formal training in film making. I understood why he called. I’ve always lived out of compulsion and beyond that, there’s richful experiences of surviving associated risks. I began to question myself how I did it. I didn’t have much to invest just as he has. I guess people have reached out on my sentiments and believed in it.

During half of the day, head started throbbing like hell. I took tylenol and put on herbal concoctions my grandma had me believe was working. It did to some extent. But hours were excruciating I badly want to slam my head against the wall to break the skull.. I feel like synapses are travelling by the fastest millisecond, and every component of its source is insanely overworked, on the brink of brain failure..

Day 3

My hands look unsettled, hypnotized by a slice of my brain.. Fuck! can’t do! Loathing.. aiming at my indecent self.. Guess I am losing it.

The rest of the day was preoccupied.. unfortunately by the fact that I’m losing my job. Pretty little shit to come in favor of distraction. So I’ve thought of few things that might work out. The creeping evil was lost somewhere but soon will haunt at any given time.. For now, I’m cursing someone in my head.

Day 2

Temperature had become too annoying today. The heat is nothing but had formed alliance with my brain..shaken by its other side’s dominance. So I turned to my baby girl who’s taking a 2-week vacation in the apartment , “Do you wana learn to read..” Her head nodded with anticipation,  picking up paper and pen, the first victim of her bare hands.

I started with consonant sounds, pairing them next to vowels.. “D” went on board  with an evil laugh inside my head..

“Da, De, Di, Do, and Du”.. She spoke like somebody familiar to me.. So I said, “Now let’s go to F consonant..” Puzzled by sudden changes in routine, she blurted out with no hesitation, “Mama, you missed picking a word for each..” Fuck! I’m toasted.. 

“Sheeks, sorry.. totally forgot baby. Lemme work on that.” So I scribbled for the right words, Dad.. Dead.. fuck, she’s gona grill my brain askin’ questions about that.. Uhm.. Den, Di—… the evil is creeping again.. I should have picked another subject.. fuck the experiment!

Day 1

First day was hell. All my worries resurfaced like storm. I feel consumed and used. The urge is growing stronger by the second. And I’m close to pulling the sharp blade thirsting for my blood. I need a distraction..

The Blackwidow On A 30-day Challenge

I was due to write this article a week ago but somehow found every reasonable excuse to not do it. Every turn and plots were scribbled in my head, with expectations of the challenge preconceived given a 50-50 chances for success. The idea sprouted one weekend, during an exhausting 24-hour travel. Nailed on a seat quartered through rugged tracks of a moving bus, questions started pouring like uneasy guinea pigs. 

Tangled in an unwlecomed conversations with random strangers,

I was obliged to ask why.

 For some reason, I’ve been hearing the same argument about why women

should accept men’s adoration for multiple partners. This being the case while

engaged in a relationship or commitment.

To give clarity of the argument, this was a question posed in general by men themselves and not assumed by the Blackwidow. And to such, I will not be held responsible to any accusations. So when asked why, the first to hit the chart is men’s physiological nature–damn hormones! Women in reality are bound by the same regularities, only, it is known to be seasoned by age and ripened dominance of hormonal composition. On the other hand, we cannot disregard an outside stimulus to drive sexual urges. Our sexual orientation is based from infinite bit of experience stored in the brain. These memories are then associated to recognizable images, or sensory feelings that eventually become stimulus for natural urges. A boy who had gained conscious erection early on by a naked woman wearing net stockings could grow up stimulated by the same feeling, of the same encounter, in one ordinary day while eating popcorn on his couch. Another factor could be accounted to society’s developed perspective of sexuality. Excluding uncoventional sexual preferences, media dictates sexy.

What this comes down to is that brain is a powerful remote control that switches on and off those urges. Does this mean humanity can hope for better relationships by capitalizing on harnessed logic? Or are we slaves of our own nature?

So I decided to come up with a social experiment using Blackwidow as the best candidate for test subject. To completely understand the relevance of the study, we have to characterize her based on sexual orientation. The subject is often remotely unexposed to regular stimuli such as interaction with opposite sex  (or bisexuals). Even so, the environmental condition is perfectly controlled since she’s more drawn to self-indulged sexual activity. Her switch is limited to her own hands and an imagery of a familiar human subject to complete the deed. This exclusive nature makes all other factors insignificant. What makes the study a pertinent material is her heightened addiction. Now the challenge is to refrain those physical manifestations for 30 days, documenting daily catalyst to struggles and noted biological effects.The designed action plan is to create a distraction that will overpower daily imprint of urges.

The Blackwidow aims to collect an objective results to assume human nature. I hereby declare that the challenge is on now.

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Abby Mabb

Snarly female. Occasional book reviewer.

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