Murmurs of the AntiSocial

In This Dark Hour

The curse of self engagement.. It happens to me all the time. The incessant need to refuse any social interaction–to answer questions, to walk out of my apartment.. to do anything that has to do with people. Anyone could guess this as a patterned behavior associated to psychological disorder. It is not for me. Not that it is a subconscious denial but I just want to avoid everyone’s impact on me. Engaging tires my senses. Words, habitual body movement, reactions..all are spontaneously registered as a data. I couldn’t help but transform it into assumptions. In my apartment, there’s nothing but meaningless sounds and images. I need not make an effort to react or analyze at all.

While every human being has a need to be social unless they’re sleeping or preoccupied, quiet times had become my sole pareja throwing back any emotions not visible to anyone. That’s when I began to understand self and the others. Through writing, it had become more apparent. This.. is the reason at this moment.. why I can’t live with anyone. It often comes out as being distant. The distrust suffocates me. The symptoms  being often physiological in nature. In my head, I could imagine one solution–someone who could chain me up to his or her wrist until I throw up… someone who will shake me until I speak up.. someone who would pull me out to walk some distance..But then, the biggest struggle is not finding that someone but getting the chain locked up on my wrist. I am my own enemy and I need a pair to connive in fighting it.

The bitter sweet of truth is knowing that its real. This is a part of my world nobody has seen. But even in these darkest hours, the purpose of light and hope perfectly bring shade to its meaning..

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